The Separation Agreement (Its Just Not Working Out)

At the time of my being laid off, I was handed a thick packet of papers.  Included in this packet (which was nestled in a lacquered folder bearing graphics and images representing the company and probably cost a week's salary to make) was what is called a separation agreement.

Now, I'm sure many of you have received this lovely little list.  Ready to be signed and erase culpability and the potential for future legal action from the proverbial docket.   In essence, my former employer was telling me that the relationship just wasn't working out and there would be no alimony.

I must be honest, I merely skimmed this agreement upon receiving it.  It restated much of what was discussed during my time in the conference room, but in legalese. 

I must also be honest, I did not immediately sign this agreement and return it in a timely manner.  Reason being?  I simply forgot.  

And so, I received a bevy of phone calls from a woman in the HR department whose voice tonality mimicked that of a mental patient post full frontal lobotomy.   She always called from an "unavailable" number, prompting me to send the anynomous incoming calls straight to voicemail.

Here is the general trajectory of her messages...

Message 1:

 "This is a message for Perseus LaFond.  This is Monotone Sally calling from (former employer) regarding your separation agreement.  In order for final processing to occur and for you to receive the remainder of your severance, we need to receive a notarized copy of the separation agreement presented to you immediately.  We need a hard copy, not a scanned or faxed copy in order to complete the processing."

Message 2:

"This is Monotone Sally calling for Perseus LaFond.  Perseus we have yet to receive a copy of your notarized separation agreement and cannot complete processing until we do so.  Please send right away.  You have already passed the date at which processing is ideal."

Message 3:

"Mr. LaFond, this is Monotone Sally, yet again, calling in regard to the separation agreement you have and we need.  Please either mail or fax a copy so that we can finally finish processing."

Message 4: 

"Mr. LaFond, frankly I'm sick of calling you, but its my job and I derive very little pleasure from my job.  To be honest, I derive very little pleasure from my life in general.  That said, would you PLEASE drop a notarized copy of your little separation agreement in the mail so that I don't have to keep dialing your number (which I've memorized)?

Message 5:

"Listen fuck-face, send us the agreement and we'll send you a check.  Money.  You like money, don't you??  This is your old friend, Monotone Sally from (former employer).

Message 6:

"You know what Perseus?  Why don't you go ahead and keep the separation agreement.  Shit, I'll even send you a frame so that you can hang it over the cardboard box you are probably living in at this point.  You know who this is.

Message 7:

"The separation agreement or your spleen. Your call.  My brother Rocco is sharpening his shiv as I speak.  Kisses!  Sally

Heh, you said "Stimulus Package"

With unprecedented urgency and swiftness, Congress has managed to move a stimulus bill through the rusty pipes of bureacracy. Will it be effective?  Only time will tell.

But, dear readers, one thing can be sure, its gonna take some time.  

Most companies are still scaling back and looking at diminished profits.  And after over half a million employees were laid off last month, I don't think we should be so naive as to assume that this month's numbers will be far different.

That said (and pardon my more stoic demeanor in this post.  Don't worry, wry will return) President Obama is highlighting "saving or creating over 4 million jobs."  The most detailed way he is proposing to do this is through the creation of positions involved in infrastructure building.  That means folks brandishing shovels and mixing cement.  Building actual bridges and tunnels, and repairing roads.  

I am a staunch advocate of Barack Obama and feel he is exactly what this country, and quite possibly the world, needs at this precise moment in history.  That said, I wonder how many folks that were recently laid off are willing to pick up a shovel or mix cement.  My thinking is, not many.

Americans seem to scoff at the idea of manual, blue collar labor.  Let the immigrants do it.  An interesting impasse might occur if things don't shape up in the near future, however.  

If helping repair pot holes and laying brick is too strenuous or undesirable for someone with a masters degree, what happens?  Isn't some job better than no job?  

There is something to be said about getting your hands dirty.  About a strong work ethic.  

I was at a local pizza place a week ago and ordered a chicken parm hero.  The only employees working were two Mexican gentleman roughly the same age as me (late twenties).  They were cleaning up and preparing to close, having shut down the oven.  I didn't realize the oven was already turned off when I ordered the sandwich and felt a bit inconsiderate when I did.  I told them not to worry about it, I had thought they were still serving.

The gentleman from whom I ordered said "No.  No worries" and proceeded to crank up the oven again and meticulously prepare a chicken parm hero for me.   He didn't sigh.  He didn't shake his head.  He didn't rush through the process.  He prepared the sandwich as he might have four hours earlier, taking particular care in each step of this seemingly mundane task.  I took note and appreciated it immensely (I also tipped him).

I realized that this gentleman would most assuredly have no qualms about picking up a shovel or mixing cement, and he would probably do a damn good job at it.

Unfortunately, I am not so optimistic about the rest of us.

Updating Your Res: Tip #4 - Pimp Your Cover Letter!

A resume' without a cover letter is like a yin without its yang.  A Cher without a Sonny.  A junkie without his fix:  Trembling, insane and pumped full of botox.  

Or, more simply put, incomplete.

Today, we discuss the most annoying (potential employers would beg to differ here), arbitrary, oftentimes grueling aspect of applying for a new job:  The Cover Letter.

Potential employers encourage applicants to "tell us a little about why you are best for this position,"  "Give us a taste of who you really are," "Let your personality shine through."

There is something masochistic about these requests, but I digress.  Lets tackle this here cover letter and wrangle it straight.

We begin with a generic cover letter from our friend Diane:

_____________________________________________________________

To Whom it May Concern:

I am very interested and uniquely qualified for the bagel mistress position your organization is currently looking to fill. 

As stated on my resume', I have over fifteen years of experience in all facets of bagel production, from procuring the root ingredients, to kneading the dough,  and finally baking the finished product.

In addition to my passion for making bagels I am an avid stamp collector and spend at least two days a month volunteering with local charity organizations.

Thank you for your time and I look forward to meeting with a representative from your organization to further discuss this opportunity.

All My Best!

~Diane Fuegalschitz

__________________________________________________________________

"All Your Best" Diane?  Really?  I think not.

Lets pimp this cover letter - 

To Whom it May Concern:  - Okay, we have a general idea who it concerns - the organization you are applying to and its HR staff.  The key word for a great cover letter is CONFIDENCE

try this - 

Dear Organization That Would be Fortunate to Have Me as an Employee:

I am very interested and uniquely qualified for the bagel mistress position your organization is currently looking to fill. - Well slap my ass and call me Gertrude.  Diane, you are interested in the bagel mistress position???  No shit.  Obviously you are interested in the position, if not, why would you be forgoing watching "General Hospital" to type up this cover letter?

Pimp it  -

I want to make bagels.  I LOVE making bagels.  When my feet hit the ground in the morning, all I'm thinking of is kneading dough.  Some people fantasize about sex.  I fantasize about sprinkling sesame seeds on a freshly baked bagel.  Then I fantasize about having sex with that bagel.   Do the math Pythagorus:  Diane + Your Company = bagels created with REAL LOVE, by a bagel ARTIST.

As stated on my resume', I have over fifteen years of experience in all facets of bagel production, from procuring the root ingredients, to kneading the dough,  and finally baking the finished product. - Redundant.  Lose it.  They've got your resume' (See: Resume' Tip #2 - Pad that Sh*t)

In addition to my passion for making bagels I am an avid stamp collector and spend at least two days a month volunteering with local charity organizations. - Wow, Diane, is your middle name "excitement" by any chance?  Thats sweet that you volunteer, but, companies are about one thing: the bottom line.  Cold, hard capitalism is the name of the game.  If they feel you are motivated by the same thing and are somewhat provocative, you will most assuredly land that coveted interview.

PIMP IT - 

The only thing I like making more than bagels is money.  Making money for myself.  For whomever allows me to make the bagels.  Bagels and Money. Thats what gets me out of bed in the morning (and if you're lucky, its what gets me IN bed on some nights too).  Which brings me to my extracurricular activity: I'm a prostitute.  I do it for the thrill.  Sometimes, I accept bagels in lieu of cash.  

Thank you for your time and I look forward to meeting with a representative from your organization to further discuss this opportunity. - Don't thank them.  They haven't done anything yet.  Challenge them instead.

If you don't at least meet me in person, your company will suffer.  Your bagels will cease to be tasty and YOU WILL LOSE MONEY.  Your call Charlie.  (IF you are calling about my other services, please ask for "Misty Lakes").

Sign off with this-

You Need Me.

~Diane Fuegalschitz

Happy Hunting Diane.  And, please do something about that last name.  Maybe hyphenate that "schitz" or something.  ~P

Superfun Activity for the Unemployed: #3 Make a Collage!

You may feel that collages are childish and regressive - and in some circumstances they are.  Remember, however, dear reader, one must REgress in order for one to PROgress.

All you need are -

1. Scissors

2. Glue

3. Poster board

4. An old family album you can cannibalize 

5. Creativity

6. (optional) a bottle of whiskey

Here's some examples of exemplary collages:

Notice how Brittany has ensconced her shiny, golden maned head smack-dab in the middle of this valley girl dreamland!  She is flanked by two beauties one can only surmise are her mother and grandmother.  Brittany's personality comes shining through after a well placed image of her playfully making bull horns, as if to say "I may be wearing this here evenin' gown, but gosh golly, I'm a playful sort.  Watch out or I may gore you!"  One word: art.

Now, this is a more standard and structured example of a collage, but it is a collage nonetheless.  The collage artist is employing what is called a "tile motif."

Whereas Brittany went hog wild with her collage, this artist is opting for a cleaner, more organized layout.  I'm not quite sure how the artist managed to find such a cadre of rugged type men, but that is where individuality and sheer luck enters in.  If these lads were all huddled together in a room at the same time, one would be apt to say: "Watch out ladies. I don't think these wood paneled walls will be able to contain the brute sexuality and raw masculinity these fellas are exuding."  The gentleman in the top row, center square, embodies the definition of badass.  His eyes seem to say "Lets take this damn picture already so I can go have a threesome with the two Tai hookers and do coke off the barrel of my 44 Magnum."  Man's man.

Love is in the air.  And if not in the air, then definitely in Stacey and Chad's collage.  Not only did these two Siamese twin lovebirds (their heads have since been separated, thankfully) employ a collage technique, but they also broke the collage up into a puzzle format.  "Too much?" you may ask.  Not at all.  Love like theirs cannot exist as a whole for very long.  The sheer magnitude of the union of their souls can only be mirrored by a celestial event such as a galaxy falling in on itself.  Bravo, Stacey and Chad. Bravo!

The Hunt

Many apologies to the four or five people who read this blog for my short absence.  I was just so darned happy about Barack Obama's inauguration that I proceeded to go on a four day bender, replete with Uncle Sam hat and a vest constructed entirely out of Obama pins.  

But, I'm back and back means back to what I will henceforth refer to as  "The Hunt."

Today (in similar fashion to the past three weeks) I set my alarm clock for a sensible 8 AM wake-up.  The daily routine I've created to add some structure to my relatively amorphous new lifestyle is as such:

1. Wake at 8 AM

2. Perform some light calesthenics

3. Give myself a morality boosting talking-to in the mirror, vigorously repeating a mantra such as "Your destiny awaits you!", "Carpe Diem!" or "Today I will find suitable employment and realize my full potential!"

4. Brew some coffee

5. Dedicate three hours to online job searching and applications

6.  Meditate 

7. Eat a healthy lunch

8. Dedicate a second three hours to online job searching and applications

9. Dedicate one hour to investigating volunteering opportunities that would allow me to utilize some portion of my free time toward the betterment of society

10. Gym

11. Eat a healthy dinner

12. Dedicate one and a half hours to investigating pursuing a higher degree of some sort

13. Call my mother

14. Curl up with a good murder mystery and a warm glass of milk 

15. Fall soundly asleep by 11 PM

I've always been of ambitious ilk.  Unfortunately, I have not quite fully adopted the above itinerary as of yet.  In fact, the actual breakdown of the my day tends to more resemble the following:

1. Alarm goes off at 8 AM.  Hit snooze

2. Alarm goes off at 8:10 AM. Hit snooze

3. Alarm goes off at 8:20 AM. Turn alarm off

4. Wake at 10:30 AM, realize I don't have to be anywhere, fall back to sleep

5. Wake at noon, jump from bed in flurry, loudly berating myself for sleeping in and not following the tenets of my itinerary

6. Look at myself in the mirror and cringe at my pallor and quickly fading youth

7. Brew coffee

8. Check personal email, respond to various personal emails

9. Read a news website to familiarize myself with the current state of the world

10. Realize its half past one, loudly berate myself again for waking so late

11. Eat a slice of pepperoni pizza and a sausage roll from Mike's Pizzeria

12. 2:30 PM Begin looking at online job sites

13. 3:10 PM Become frustrated by sparsity of jobs, end up on FaceBook

14. Freak the fuck out

15. Calm myself down

16. Spend an hour cathartically writing for this blog

17. Set up some sort of social outing with friends for the evening, oftentimes revolving around drinking

18.  Look at the price of one way flights to Italy and France

19. Apply online for the two jobs I found that I was grossly overqualified for

20. Spend one hour customizing cover letters 

21. Accidently delete cover letter template

22. Freak the fuck out, again

23. Forage in kitchen for snack: eat Chinese sesame crackers with chunky peanut butter - dinner done

24. 8:30 PM Shower, dress and head into the city to meet friends at a bar.

25.  9 PM - 10:30 PM engage in light banter with friends, slowly feel my self esteem becoming inflated, continue drinking

26. 11 PM - 1:30 AM  ?

27. 3 AM Ariv hommme f;lakdjf  go t' sliip

Well, there's always tomorrow...  ~P

Updating Your Res: Tip #1 - Use Big Words!

Ah, the resume!   Updating the ol res can be a time consuming and altogether debilitating endeavor.

1. What was the most important task I performed in my former position?

2. How should I word it?

3. Should I use the phrase "Responsible for" repeatedly or should I vary it up with more

active explanations of my former duties?

Firstly, you should strive to use the most complicated and sophisticated words in the English dictionary to demonstrate your intellect and expansive vocabulary. 

I like to use thesaurus.com when updating my resume.  It helps add some "spice,"some "flair," some "je ne se qua" to my formerly bland job descriptions.

It helps me change a relatively standard sentence like

"Responsible for making copies" 

into

"Culpable for begetting replications"

 

or

"Answered phone calls from angry consumers"

to

"Elucidated phone supplications from splenetic eaters"

And, my personal favorite

"Scheduling lunch reservations for my boss"

into

"Originating tiffin retainment for my chieftain"

You should try it!  You'll have potential employers calling in no time at all!  

Happy Hunting!  

~P