Updating Your Res: Tip #4 - Pimp Your Cover Letter!

A resume' without a cover letter is like a yin without its yang.  A Cher without a Sonny.  A junkie without his fix:  Trembling, insane and pumped full of botox.  

Or, more simply put, incomplete.

Today, we discuss the most annoying (potential employers would beg to differ here), arbitrary, oftentimes grueling aspect of applying for a new job:  The Cover Letter.

Potential employers encourage applicants to "tell us a little about why you are best for this position,"  "Give us a taste of who you really are," "Let your personality shine through."

There is something masochistic about these requests, but I digress.  Lets tackle this here cover letter and wrangle it straight.

We begin with a generic cover letter from our friend Diane:

_____________________________________________________________

To Whom it May Concern:

I am very interested and uniquely qualified for the bagel mistress position your organization is currently looking to fill. 

As stated on my resume', I have over fifteen years of experience in all facets of bagel production, from procuring the root ingredients, to kneading the dough,  and finally baking the finished product.

In addition to my passion for making bagels I am an avid stamp collector and spend at least two days a month volunteering with local charity organizations.

Thank you for your time and I look forward to meeting with a representative from your organization to further discuss this opportunity.

All My Best!

~Diane Fuegalschitz

__________________________________________________________________

"All Your Best" Diane?  Really?  I think not.

Lets pimp this cover letter - 

To Whom it May Concern:  - Okay, we have a general idea who it concerns - the organization you are applying to and its HR staff.  The key word for a great cover letter is CONFIDENCE

try this - 

Dear Organization That Would be Fortunate to Have Me as an Employee:

I am very interested and uniquely qualified for the bagel mistress position your organization is currently looking to fill. - Well slap my ass and call me Gertrude.  Diane, you are interested in the bagel mistress position???  No shit.  Obviously you are interested in the position, if not, why would you be forgoing watching "General Hospital" to type up this cover letter?

Pimp it  -

I want to make bagels.  I LOVE making bagels.  When my feet hit the ground in the morning, all I'm thinking of is kneading dough.  Some people fantasize about sex.  I fantasize about sprinkling sesame seeds on a freshly baked bagel.  Then I fantasize about having sex with that bagel.   Do the math Pythagorus:  Diane + Your Company = bagels created with REAL LOVE, by a bagel ARTIST.

As stated on my resume', I have over fifteen years of experience in all facets of bagel production, from procuring the root ingredients, to kneading the dough,  and finally baking the finished product. - Redundant.  Lose it.  They've got your resume' (See: Resume' Tip #2 - Pad that Sh*t)

In addition to my passion for making bagels I am an avid stamp collector and spend at least two days a month volunteering with local charity organizations. - Wow, Diane, is your middle name "excitement" by any chance?  Thats sweet that you volunteer, but, companies are about one thing: the bottom line.  Cold, hard capitalism is the name of the game.  If they feel you are motivated by the same thing and are somewhat provocative, you will most assuredly land that coveted interview.

PIMP IT - 

The only thing I like making more than bagels is money.  Making money for myself.  For whomever allows me to make the bagels.  Bagels and Money. Thats what gets me out of bed in the morning (and if you're lucky, its what gets me IN bed on some nights too).  Which brings me to my extracurricular activity: I'm a prostitute.  I do it for the thrill.  Sometimes, I accept bagels in lieu of cash.  

Thank you for your time and I look forward to meeting with a representative from your organization to further discuss this opportunity. - Don't thank them.  They haven't done anything yet.  Challenge them instead.

If you don't at least meet me in person, your company will suffer.  Your bagels will cease to be tasty and YOU WILL LOSE MONEY.  Your call Charlie.  (IF you are calling about my other services, please ask for "Misty Lakes").

Sign off with this-

You Need Me.

~Diane Fuegalschitz

Happy Hunting Diane.  And, please do something about that last name.  Maybe hyphenate that "schitz" or something.  ~P