The Separation Agreement (Its Just Not Working Out)

At the time of my being laid off, I was handed a thick packet of papers.  Included in this packet (which was nestled in a lacquered folder bearing graphics and images representing the company and probably cost a week's salary to make) was what is called a separation agreement.

Now, I'm sure many of you have received this lovely little list.  Ready to be signed and erase culpability and the potential for future legal action from the proverbial docket.   In essence, my former employer was telling me that the relationship just wasn't working out and there would be no alimony.

I must be honest, I merely skimmed this agreement upon receiving it.  It restated much of what was discussed during my time in the conference room, but in legalese. 

I must also be honest, I did not immediately sign this agreement and return it in a timely manner.  Reason being?  I simply forgot.  

And so, I received a bevy of phone calls from a woman in the HR department whose voice tonality mimicked that of a mental patient post full frontal lobotomy.   She always called from an "unavailable" number, prompting me to send the anynomous incoming calls straight to voicemail.

Here is the general trajectory of her messages...

Message 1:

 "This is a message for Perseus LaFond.  This is Monotone Sally calling from (former employer) regarding your separation agreement.  In order for final processing to occur and for you to receive the remainder of your severance, we need to receive a notarized copy of the separation agreement presented to you immediately.  We need a hard copy, not a scanned or faxed copy in order to complete the processing."

Message 2:

"This is Monotone Sally calling for Perseus LaFond.  Perseus we have yet to receive a copy of your notarized separation agreement and cannot complete processing until we do so.  Please send right away.  You have already passed the date at which processing is ideal."

Message 3:

"Mr. LaFond, this is Monotone Sally, yet again, calling in regard to the separation agreement you have and we need.  Please either mail or fax a copy so that we can finally finish processing."

Message 4: 

"Mr. LaFond, frankly I'm sick of calling you, but its my job and I derive very little pleasure from my job.  To be honest, I derive very little pleasure from my life in general.  That said, would you PLEASE drop a notarized copy of your little separation agreement in the mail so that I don't have to keep dialing your number (which I've memorized)?

Message 5:

"Listen fuck-face, send us the agreement and we'll send you a check.  Money.  You like money, don't you??  This is your old friend, Monotone Sally from (former employer).

Message 6:

"You know what Perseus?  Why don't you go ahead and keep the separation agreement.  Shit, I'll even send you a frame so that you can hang it over the cardboard box you are probably living in at this point.  You know who this is.

Message 7:

"The separation agreement or your spleen. Your call.  My brother Rocco is sharpening his shiv as I speak.  Kisses!  Sally