The Hunt

Many apologies to the four or five people who read this blog for my short absence.  I was just so darned happy about Barack Obama's inauguration that I proceeded to go on a four day bender, replete with Uncle Sam hat and a vest constructed entirely out of Obama pins.  

But, I'm back and back means back to what I will henceforth refer to as  "The Hunt."

Today (in similar fashion to the past three weeks) I set my alarm clock for a sensible 8 AM wake-up.  The daily routine I've created to add some structure to my relatively amorphous new lifestyle is as such:

1. Wake at 8 AM

2. Perform some light calesthenics

3. Give myself a morality boosting talking-to in the mirror, vigorously repeating a mantra such as "Your destiny awaits you!", "Carpe Diem!" or "Today I will find suitable employment and realize my full potential!"

4. Brew some coffee

5. Dedicate three hours to online job searching and applications

6.  Meditate 

7. Eat a healthy lunch

8. Dedicate a second three hours to online job searching and applications

9. Dedicate one hour to investigating volunteering opportunities that would allow me to utilize some portion of my free time toward the betterment of society

10. Gym

11. Eat a healthy dinner

12. Dedicate one and a half hours to investigating pursuing a higher degree of some sort

13. Call my mother

14. Curl up with a good murder mystery and a warm glass of milk 

15. Fall soundly asleep by 11 PM

I've always been of ambitious ilk.  Unfortunately, I have not quite fully adopted the above itinerary as of yet.  In fact, the actual breakdown of the my day tends to more resemble the following:

1. Alarm goes off at 8 AM.  Hit snooze

2. Alarm goes off at 8:10 AM. Hit snooze

3. Alarm goes off at 8:20 AM. Turn alarm off

4. Wake at 10:30 AM, realize I don't have to be anywhere, fall back to sleep

5. Wake at noon, jump from bed in flurry, loudly berating myself for sleeping in and not following the tenets of my itinerary

6. Look at myself in the mirror and cringe at my pallor and quickly fading youth

7. Brew coffee

8. Check personal email, respond to various personal emails

9. Read a news website to familiarize myself with the current state of the world

10. Realize its half past one, loudly berate myself again for waking so late

11. Eat a slice of pepperoni pizza and a sausage roll from Mike's Pizzeria

12. 2:30 PM Begin looking at online job sites

13. 3:10 PM Become frustrated by sparsity of jobs, end up on FaceBook

14. Freak the fuck out

15. Calm myself down

16. Spend an hour cathartically writing for this blog

17. Set up some sort of social outing with friends for the evening, oftentimes revolving around drinking

18.  Look at the price of one way flights to Italy and France

19. Apply online for the two jobs I found that I was grossly overqualified for

20. Spend one hour customizing cover letters 

21. Accidently delete cover letter template

22. Freak the fuck out, again

23. Forage in kitchen for snack: eat Chinese sesame crackers with chunky peanut butter - dinner done

24. 8:30 PM Shower, dress and head into the city to meet friends at a bar.

25.  9 PM - 10:30 PM engage in light banter with friends, slowly feel my self esteem becoming inflated, continue drinking

26. 11 PM - 1:30 AM  ?

27. 3 AM Ariv hommme f;lakdjf  go t' sliip

Well, there's always tomorrow...  ~P

Updating Your Res: Tip #3 - Format, Schmor-mat!

***Warning: there is actually a practical, helpful tip buried in this posting. Find it and reap the benefits!

Countless hours can be spent formatting one's resume.  Hours of indenting, selecting the appropriate font size and type.  Deciding if your name should be 20 or 24 point, bolded, underlined and sprinkled with a light dusting of gold sparkles.

Hold on to those sparkles though, because in our web savvy world you don't need them.  

Most positions can be applied for via the internet.  Websites such as these offer that opportunity:

www.Indeed.com

www.Monster.com

www.CareerBuilder.com

www.JobsYouDon'tReallyWant.com

www.GetAJobYouLoserBitch.com

These sites provide the weary job seeker with a plenitude of job options one is either>

 

a) not qualified for because of being short one year on the "years of experience" section

of the "required qualifications."

or

b) not interested in because the position involves molding yak shit into a renewable source of insulation for a wealthy eccentric's "green" mansion in Albuquerque. 

That said, these internet sites pose another problem for Johnny Resume' Poster: the platforms used will decimate your resume's formatting.

My suggestion is to create a generic copy of your res, sans bells and whistles, and save this res specifically for positions you are applying for online.  A basic Word doc w/o any formatting or a generic text doc should do the trick.

If after posting one is so damned bored/anal they wish to reformat, bolding and indenting to their heart's content, I say GO FOR IT!  Of course, when the HR drone who is sifting through resumes opens it on his/her browser, that formatting will be all kinds of sloppy.

This is fairly commonsensical and I'm sure many already ascribe to this method.  If not, get on the bus. ~P

What if You're Color Blind?

From Careerbuilder.com>

Can Your Favorite Color Determine Your Perfect Job?
Rachel Zupek, CareerBuilder.com writer

Do you ever wish finding the perfect job could be as easy as 1, 2, 3? According to new research, it might be as easy as red, yellow or blue.

That's right; by determining which primary, secondary and achromatic colors you prefer most and least, you can figure out a successful career path based on how you approach work, the types of workplaces where you work best and how you handle work tasks.

The Color Career Counselor, powered by The Dewey Color System -- the world's only validated, non-language color-based career testing instrument -- uses color preferences to determine successful career paths. Dewey Sadka, author of "The Dewey Color System," says using colors instead of a questionnaire eliminates the chasm between self-perception and self-truth and reveals your core motivations.

"What if you misinterpret a [career assessment] question or the choices don't reflect your personality?" Sadka asks. "Color preference indicates your personality's best career fit. Preferred colors indicate passionate career pursuits; non-preferred choices establish workplace skills you least enjoy."

How it works
The Color Career Counselor is simple. First, you click your preferred primary color (red, yellow or blue). From there, you choose your preferred secondary (green, purple or orange) and achromatic (black, white or brown) colors.

"Your preferred colors determine how you attack each task. They indicate your talents -- what you prioritize first in order to be successful. They also highlight what you overdo, especially when you feel great," Sadka says.

For example, if you're partial to yellow, you're information-driven; blue preference people are idea-driven and people who prefer red are results-driven. If you favor green as your secondary color, you realistically evaluate situations; purple indicates you like fact-finding possibilities and orange signals that you scrutinize feasibility. Finally, if black is your choice from the achromatic colors, you consider value above all else; white shows that you like having options and brown confirms that you like implementation and accomplishing tasks.

On the other hand, your least preferred colors determine tasks and issues that you tend to forget.

For example, if your least favorite color is orange, sometimes you over-commit yourself by trying to do too much at once. If you dislike the color green, you try to fix everything for your colleagues rather than making them do it themselves. Or, if your least favorite is teal, you feel a deep need to prove you are competent and you don't care what other people think.
In managing these areas head-on, Sadka says you won't miss the incidentals that could impede your success.

Put to the test

To see for myself if this "scientific" test was for real, I took the test three different times and got the same results each time, affirming that I am, in fact, in the right career.
I'm a "creator," says the Color Career Counselor. I'm "nonconforming, impulsive, expressive, romantic, intuitive, sensitive and emotional." It says I enjoy working independently, being creative, using my imagination and constantly learning something new.
For my suggested "creator occupations," I was given an extensive list of careers that included jobs I've considered (architect, interior decorator, English teacher), jobs people told me I should pursue (author, creative director, public relations) and jobs that I currently hold or aspire to in the future (reporter and editor).

What about you?

So are you a researcher, creator, social manager, persuader, doer or organizer? To find out what career path you should be following based on your preferred colors, here are a few examples of what certain choices say about you, and the careers and skills that compliment them.
If you prefer: yellow, purple and white: You're the communicator.

You create profitable perspectives -- how to break into new accounts or be heard by other employees. By simply identifying a client's point of view, you develop strategies that open doors, even if they had already been shut. Your excellent communication skills can create problem-solving forums. Careers in corporate communications, marketing or religious occupations work best.

If you prefer: red, green and black: You're the investor.
You know the value of money and resources, as well as the intrinsic worth of each co-worker's contributions. Your supportive, yet analytical personality works best in finance, accounting, banking, manufacturing, property management, production analysis, investment, money management, consulting, product sales or teaching.

If you prefer: blue, orange and brown: You're the activist.
Your strong community beliefs and no-nonsense approach improves services for those around you. Occupations where you can improve existing specifications or impact social values work best for you. Consider careers in engineering, building, or developing new programs, companies or products. Also consider law enforcement, firefighting, social or government work.

These are only a few of hundreds of different color profiles. For your own free career evaluation, please visit: http://www.careerpath.com/career-tests/colorcareercounselor.aspx.

Rachel Zupek is a writer and blogger for CareerBuilder.com. She researches and writes about job search strategy, career management, hiring trends and workplace issues.

Updating Your Res: Tip #2 - Pad That Sh*t!

Padding the resume, contrary to popular belief, does not mean "lying" about your qualifications, it merely means adding false value to your resume!  The key word in the phrase "false value" is "value!" And who doesn't want to add some value to their resume?

Lets look at Mike's resume as it stands>

_____________________________________________________________________________________

Michael Dentyne

209.434.2735

mdentyne@hotmail.com

Objective: To secure a position as a claims adjuster for a large insurance brokerage.

Professional Experience

Jan 06 - Jan 09    Assistant Claims Adjuster: Geico Insurance Inc.

- Responsible for assisting primary adjuster in assessing viability of damage claims

- Helped determine negligence on part of the policy holder and offer aid in payment practices

- Liase' between policy holder, non-policy holder and third party to determine culpability and 

fair assessment practices

...

Education: Walmont College, Laurenceville NH

Graduated: June 06, Bachelors in Business Management 

_____________________________________________________________________________________

Now, I don't know about you, but I yawned at least three times while reading Michael's not-so-riveting resume.  And where does a resume such as this end up?  You guessed it: in the garbage!

Now, lets turn this zero resume into a hero resume!

First, we must determine what the problems are.  Then, we fix them!

_____________________________________________________________________________________

Michael Dentyne - okay this name, not going to work.  You need to create a name that sounds cool such as:

Jett McSutherland 

or

Dirk Deathdealer

209.434.2735 - phone number is fine

mdentyne@hotmail.com - lame.  Firstly, don't even use your name.  Use something that captures the essence of who you are when creating the email address that will appear on your resume.  

Maybe try something like - whiskeylord69@gmail.com (nobody uses hotmail anymore!)

or

hoslayer@me.com

Objective: To secure a position as a claims adjuster for a large insurance...blah blah blah.  Make that shit active, homes!  And shoot for the stratosphere!  

Objective: To become the CEO of your insurance company and quadruple the salary of your current CEO, as well as kick some ass!

Now, on to what you did at your last job.  First. The title: change it!

Professional Experience

Jan 06 - Jan 09 - three years is paltry.  You worked at that place for ten.

Jan 1999 - Jan 09

Assistant Claims Adjuster: Geico Insurance - nope, try this:

CEO Squared: Geico Insurance and the known universe

- Responsible for assisting...yada yada yada.  Not going to work.  Throw all the descriptors out the window and replace with: 

- Ran Geico Insurance Incorporated.  During my tenure, I cut costs by one thousand percent.  I increased profits by three thousand percent and I saved a lot on my car insurance!

- Kicked ass and took names

And finally, your schooling.

Education: Walmont College, Lawrenceville NH - I'm sure "Walmont" College afforded you a rich liberal arts education, some deep philosophical discussions while strumming an acoustic Gibson and smoking copious amounts of marijuana, but the fact is, nobody knows what the fuck Walmont College is.  Secondly, "Lawrenceville NH"???? The population of an illegal two family house in NYC probably far exceeds that of "Lawrenceville NH."

So, lets pad that shit!

Education: The University of Oxford: Oxfordshire England

Degree in Quantum Mechanics and Financial Astrophysics

Now your resume is golden and instead of the rubbish bin, will end up on the top of any employer's pile!

Happy hunting, Dirk Deathdealer!

Updating Your Res: Tip #1 - Use Big Words!

Ah, the resume!   Updating the ol res can be a time consuming and altogether debilitating endeavor.

1. What was the most important task I performed in my former position?

2. How should I word it?

3. Should I use the phrase "Responsible for" repeatedly or should I vary it up with more

active explanations of my former duties?

Firstly, you should strive to use the most complicated and sophisticated words in the English dictionary to demonstrate your intellect and expansive vocabulary. 

I like to use thesaurus.com when updating my resume.  It helps add some "spice,"some "flair," some "je ne se qua" to my formerly bland job descriptions.

It helps me change a relatively standard sentence like

"Responsible for making copies" 

into

"Culpable for begetting replications"

 

or

"Answered phone calls from angry consumers"

to

"Elucidated phone supplications from splenetic eaters"

And, my personal favorite

"Scheduling lunch reservations for my boss"

into

"Originating tiffin retainment for my chieftain"

You should try it!  You'll have potential employers calling in no time at all!  

Happy Hunting!  

~P

Are You Qualified for This Position?

I've sobered up. Exorcised the demons of self pity and rage. I've indulged myself as much as I saw fit and am now ready to grab the bull by the horns. Problem is, there is no bull.

Allow me to digress for a moment and throw some of that crazy stuff I utilized earlier out on the table: logic.

We are in a full fledged, wham-bam-thank-you maam, recession, right? Unemployment is spiking. Layoffs are happening everywhere. And, once we have all completed our requisite whoa-is-me round of imbibing, its time to "knuckle down," "ante up" and put our "noses to the grindstone!"

My question is "Where is this fucking grindstone??!?!"

Now, bear with me, this may sound like a crazy concept.

Everyone is being laid off because positions are being eliminated. Fewer positions require fewer people to fill those positions. Okay, still with me?

So, what do we all (me included) immediately do after our positions have been eliminated? Look to see if our former positions exist somewhere else!

And where do we do this? On our old/new friend, the internet!

And so, we spend countless hours sifting through job boards and websites and Craig's myriad of lists searching for suitable positions for which we can submit our resumes and, if we're super lucky, a tailored cover letter (which is actually cut and pasted from a template with a few key words changed, but the employer thinks for some reason that the applicant's personality will come shining through like a beam from the ass end of an angel).

I will discuss both cover letters and electronic resumes in blog postings to come (formatting alone warrants a posting of Tolstoyian proportions).

In the meantime, allow me to share the job requirements for a position I happened upon this morning (I've added some conjecture in red italics...the blue is from a REAL job listing from Indeed.com):

MENTAL/PHYSICAL DEMANDS

Must be able to function under considerable levels of stress and be able to manage multiple tasks. - you had me at "considerable."

Will periodically either be sitting, standing, walking, crouching, or stooping. - interpretive dance, methinks.

Must be able to use hands to finger, handle or feel, push and pull, reach with hands and arms and computer keyboard and mouse will be used continuously throughout the work day. - now, this is too easy. "...able to use hands to finger, handle or feel, push and pull,.." Sounds like a typical Saturday night for me.

Must frequently lift and/or move up to 50 pounds and occasionally lift and/or move up to 70 pounds. - wait, will I be engaging in coitus with dwarfs? Dwarfs with thyroid problems??

Must be able to hear and speak since both written and verbal communication are required on a regular basis. - must I do both at the same time? If so, I must regretfully remove my resume' from your pile.

Must have ability to recall, remember and maintain mental focus. - What am I doing right now? Oh look, a new Facebook message!

Specific vision abilities required by this job include close vision, distance vision, color vision, peripheral vision, depth perception, and ability to adjust focus. - Yes. I forgot to mention on my resume that I'm actually RoboCop.

Must be visually able to use a computer continuously throughout the work day. - Is this the PC way of saying "No Blind People"??

WORK ENVIRONMENT

Noise level is usually moderate, but can be loud. - What? Speak up!

The environment may be fast paced at times, requires the ability to rapidly accept change, requires the ability to handle multiple tasks and set priorities, and requires the ability to handle significant amounts of stress. - there's that "stress" word again...I'm beginning to sense a pattern forming.

Will work inside and outside throughout the year and may be exposed to extreme weather conditions. The employee is frequently exposed to high, precarious places. - After a couple of cases of Mountain Dew, I'm in!

Suffice to say, I did not submit my resume based upon the slightly daunting requirements.

I guess my career having sex with fat dwarfs on high wires in the middle of hurricanes, while bird watching will have to go on the back burner for now.

Oh, and the job is in ROCHESTER NY! To whomever "lands" that position, I have one thing to say:

May God protect your soul!

The Post Lay Off Bender - A National Tradition?

My thought process was quite linear after being unceremoniously ousted from my former place of employment - get blind, stinking drunk.

And so, after depositing my personal effects at my house, I immediately took to the highway and out to my aunt and uncle's home to drown my sorrows and test the capacity of my hardening liver. I could have called friends or a girlfriend (if I had one at the time), but serious times call for family.

Some time alone on the highway in my small, ancient car proved more of a hindrance than a help. Thoughts began to swirl in my mind, such as:

"Why me?"
"Did I fuck up?"
"Everyone liked me. Or, at least they pretended well."

Then rage, my old friend, showed up.

"Me. They let me go and they kept so and so. Not one executive assistant was let go. God forbid any of the top tier should have to make their own photocopies."

And

"Darlene. They kept stupid fucking Darlene! Darlene can barely form a sentence! She doesn't even do anything! Her mind is like a black hole!!! Dark matter into which all things are sucked! What is her position??? Oh! I know. Her position is: resident product of nepotism! That's her position! Her cousin or uncle or someone dropped a shit load of money into the company and now, little, lost Darlene needs a place to park her busted grill and, low and behold, its at the company. She's still there. But, of course she is!"

And (my personal favorite)

"What about salary reductions??? No one there has the skill set I have. If all the fat cats took a slight pay cut, countless positions could have been saved and more people would be enjoying the holidays, rather than deciding between the economy sized canister of Welbutrin or Zoloft on Christmas eve!"

As my rage sent the vein in my forehead a'thumpin', I hit a nice, thick cluster of traffic. I believe I yelped or some such at this point.

Thankfully I settled, arrived at my aunt and uncle's home and was sitting with a tall vodka and cranberry before the five o'clock news began.

When the anchor announced "...over half a million lay-offs in November alone!" I smiled cynically.

This was back in the beginning of December and I could only surmise what the numbers were going to be come January.

With this thought and the vodka settling sweetly in my head, I made the executive decision that "Tonight, I will not even think about my next move. Tonight, I will drink until I feel nothing but euphoria!"

And, so I did. Cheers!