Are You Qualified for This Position?

I've sobered up. Exorcised the demons of self pity and rage. I've indulged myself as much as I saw fit and am now ready to grab the bull by the horns. Problem is, there is no bull.

Allow me to digress for a moment and throw some of that crazy stuff I utilized earlier out on the table: logic.

We are in a full fledged, wham-bam-thank-you maam, recession, right? Unemployment is spiking. Layoffs are happening everywhere. And, once we have all completed our requisite whoa-is-me round of imbibing, its time to "knuckle down," "ante up" and put our "noses to the grindstone!"

My question is "Where is this fucking grindstone??!?!"

Now, bear with me, this may sound like a crazy concept.

Everyone is being laid off because positions are being eliminated. Fewer positions require fewer people to fill those positions. Okay, still with me?

So, what do we all (me included) immediately do after our positions have been eliminated? Look to see if our former positions exist somewhere else!

And where do we do this? On our old/new friend, the internet!

And so, we spend countless hours sifting through job boards and websites and Craig's myriad of lists searching for suitable positions for which we can submit our resumes and, if we're super lucky, a tailored cover letter (which is actually cut and pasted from a template with a few key words changed, but the employer thinks for some reason that the applicant's personality will come shining through like a beam from the ass end of an angel).

I will discuss both cover letters and electronic resumes in blog postings to come (formatting alone warrants a posting of Tolstoyian proportions).

In the meantime, allow me to share the job requirements for a position I happened upon this morning (I've added some conjecture in red italics...the blue is from a REAL job listing from Indeed.com):

MENTAL/PHYSICAL DEMANDS

Must be able to function under considerable levels of stress and be able to manage multiple tasks. - you had me at "considerable."

Will periodically either be sitting, standing, walking, crouching, or stooping. - interpretive dance, methinks.

Must be able to use hands to finger, handle or feel, push and pull, reach with hands and arms and computer keyboard and mouse will be used continuously throughout the work day. - now, this is too easy. "...able to use hands to finger, handle or feel, push and pull,.." Sounds like a typical Saturday night for me.

Must frequently lift and/or move up to 50 pounds and occasionally lift and/or move up to 70 pounds. - wait, will I be engaging in coitus with dwarfs? Dwarfs with thyroid problems??

Must be able to hear and speak since both written and verbal communication are required on a regular basis. - must I do both at the same time? If so, I must regretfully remove my resume' from your pile.

Must have ability to recall, remember and maintain mental focus. - What am I doing right now? Oh look, a new Facebook message!

Specific vision abilities required by this job include close vision, distance vision, color vision, peripheral vision, depth perception, and ability to adjust focus. - Yes. I forgot to mention on my resume that I'm actually RoboCop.

Must be visually able to use a computer continuously throughout the work day. - Is this the PC way of saying "No Blind People"??

WORK ENVIRONMENT

Noise level is usually moderate, but can be loud. - What? Speak up!

The environment may be fast paced at times, requires the ability to rapidly accept change, requires the ability to handle multiple tasks and set priorities, and requires the ability to handle significant amounts of stress. - there's that "stress" word again...I'm beginning to sense a pattern forming.

Will work inside and outside throughout the year and may be exposed to extreme weather conditions. The employee is frequently exposed to high, precarious places. - After a couple of cases of Mountain Dew, I'm in!

Suffice to say, I did not submit my resume based upon the slightly daunting requirements.

I guess my career having sex with fat dwarfs on high wires in the middle of hurricanes, while bird watching will have to go on the back burner for now.

Oh, and the job is in ROCHESTER NY! To whomever "lands" that position, I have one thing to say:

May God protect your soul!