The PITfalls of COBRA insurance (and the conclusion of "The Den of the Cat Lady")

So, the lovely Enis missed my wry attempt at humor, plowing ahead at a steady clip.

"Perseus" she said, startling me with her informal address "Now you can go back to your office, collect your things and head home. You do not have to finish the work day."

"What a glorious assertion!" I thought "This will allow me to beat the crowds to happy hour!"

I looked to my manager, who was jotting down some notes on a piece of paper. Most likely a list for the grocery store or potential names for his unborn children. Eggplant. Radishes. Cheerios. Donald. Tyler. Taylor. Tommy. Tunsis.

He paused and turned to me "Perseus. There is no rush. You don't have to leave this instant."

"I'm actually in the middle of a project right now, what happens to that?" I inquired, not realizing how naive I probably sounded.

"You can finish it, but you don't have to" my manager stated, injecting as much forced empathy into his words as he could muster "Whatever you would like to do, Perseus."

Enis, the HR hag, had a cold smirk forming on her face. Her job was done. Time for me to get my ass up so that they could drag in the next poor bastard.

I then realized "What about my health insurance?"

Enis' smirk flattened and flirted with devolving into a grimace. She recovered quickly, however, employing the skills she honed at the Devry School for Hatchetwomen.

"Your health benefits will be up at the end of this month. Then you will be eligible for Cobra insurance" she said.

"Cobra Insurance" I thought "That sounds dangerous!"

Allow me to digress for a moment. Not sure what acronym wiz kid came up with "Cobra" as a form of health insurance you can buy after bad shit happens, but he should be dragged out of his home and thrown into a pit of ,yes, COBRAS! Writhing, biting, venomous cobras! A brimming pit of deadly, hooded snakes ready to paralyze him with their venom and devour his flesh.

After initially recoiling at Enis' mentioning of "Cobra" insurance, I asked "How much does it cost?"

Here's the kicker folks, its really expensive.

So, basically, your employer stops paying you and covering your health benefits and then, to make themselves feel better, they offer you SLIGHTLY cheaper insurance that you can pay for with the money that...wait, you don't have any money....so you pay for the insurance with....hold on...something doesn't add up here........

And, to top off that gorgeous mountain of shit, the insurance is called COBRA.

"Enis, would you give Perseus and I a moment alone?" asked my manager.

Enis nodded knowingly, attempting to project the image of a despondent grandmother or consoling nun.

"Of course" she said.

Upon the hatchetwoman's ninja like exit, my manager turned to me and put his hand on my arm.

I prayed for a sexual harassment suit. Unfortunately, his hand rested on my arm and did not wander to regions that would help sate my litigious hunger.

"Perseus. I hope you know that you will be missed and that it has nothing to do with eliminating you, its just your position" he said, all sad eyed.

I felt I had heard this before. These words, but I couldn't quite place them.

"If there is anything I can do for you, Perseus, please, let me know" he offered, giving my arm a friendly squeeze.

"Yes" I thought "You could GIVE ME A JOB!"

Or, you could inappropriately fondle me so that I would have grounds to sue the company.

Either way.